Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what experts are calling “the boldest self-promotion in sports history”, President Donald Trump has announced that he will not only lead the 2026 FIFA World Cup task force but also personally captain the US national soccer team—despite never having played professional soccer.
“Look, folks, America has never won the World Cup. Terrible! Weak leadership! But now, with me as captain, we’re going to win. And win big. I’m the greatest striker, maybe ever. People are saying it.”
Trump’s Vision: A “Winning” Strategy
According to Trump, his plan for victory is simple but unbeatable:
✔ Trump plays every position at once (“I’m the best defender, the best midfielder, and obviously the best scorer.”)
✔ All referees must wear MAGA hats (“No more rigged calls against the US.”)
✔ Every goal Trump scores counts as two (“It’s called a ‘tremendous goal multiplier.’ Very fair.”)
✔ Mexico must pay for all yellow and red cards given to the US team
“We’re going to dominate, folks. The other teams? They won’t know what hit them. Maybe I’ll score 100 goals. Maybe 200. Nobody’s ever done that before, but I could.”
FIFA Officials Are “Deeply Confused”
Shocked FIFA executives were scrambling to confirm whether Trump actually had the authority to insert himself into the team.
“This… this isn’t how soccer works,” sighed one FIFA official, massaging his temples.
“He keeps calling it ‘foot-golf’ and asking why we don’t use our hands. This is a disaster.”
Trump’s “Training” and Bold Claims
Despite never playing in a professional match, Trump insists that his athletic abilities are unmatched, citing:
⚽ His “record-breaking” golf swings (“Tremendous leg strength. Very powerful.”)
⚽ His ability to “run a 40-yard dash faster than sleepy Joe” (“People say I move like a young gazelle.”)
⚽ His childhood soccer experience (“I kicked a ball once in 1956. Very impressive kick. Probably the best ever.”)
“Some people are saying I’m better than Ronaldo, better than Messi. Maybe the best player of all time.”
What’s Next?
Following his self-appointment as captain, Trump has hinted at other changes to the tournament, including:
- Rebranding the World Cup as the “Trump Cup” (“More prestigious. More luxurious.”)
- Making the US automatically qualify for the final every tournament
- Installing golden goalposts at every stadium (“They’ll look incredible, folks.”)
- Banning all teams that “aren’t friendly enough” to Trump (“No losers, no haters.”)
At press time, the US national team was reportedly in hiding, while FIFA was considering relocating the tournament to “literally anywhere else.”