Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what experts are calling “the most historic moment in modern bathroom innovation,” President Donald Trump has officially unveiled the world’s first solid gold turd, allegedly produced on his famous 24-karat gold toilet.
“Folks, this isn’t just any turd. It’s a record-breaking, history-making, absolutely beautiful turd,” Trump declared at a press conference, holding up a framed photo of the golden masterpiece. “It’s the heaviest, the biggest, some are even saying the bigliest turd ever produced. By the most orange man who has ever lived.”
“Sir, That Is the Most Beautiful Shit I Have Ever Seen”
As word spread, crowds gathered outside Mar-a-Lago to witness what some have called “the eighth wonder of the world.”
“Grown men—strong men—came up to me, tears in their eyes, saying, ‘Sir! That is the most beautiful shit I have ever seen.’ And folks, they were right. It was tremendous.”
Insiders report that unlike lesser, ordinary bowel movements, Trump’s gold turd “did not smell at all”, with some supporters even claiming it had a faint scent of success, patriotism, and KFC.
Scientists Are… Confused
Leading medical experts were baffled by the revelation, with some questioning the scientific feasibility of defecating solid gold.
“It’s… it’s literally impossible,” said Dr. Emily Cartwright, a gastrointestinal specialist at Johns Hopkins. “Unless he somehow ingested and metabolized hundreds of gold bars, this defies all known biology.”
However, Trump dismissed the criticism, insisting that his digestive system is “stronger than science” and that no one has ever had a metabolism quite like his.
“The doctors, they don’t know. They say it can’t be done, but I did it. Just like I fixed the economy. Just like I won the election. I produce only the best movements—both political and digestive.”
Gold Turd Goes Up for Auction
Following the announcement, Trump’s team confirmed that the historic artifact will be auctioned off to the highest bidder, with starting bids rumored to begin at $10 million. Proceeds, according to Trump, will “fund the greatest political comeback in history” and “possibly build a second, even more luxurious gold toilet.”
At press time, Elon Musk and Kanye West were reportedly locked in a bidding war, with Musk tweeting:
“This changes everything. Dogecoin now backed by Trump Turd Standard. 🚀”