Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what experts are calling “the most ambitious climate plan since ignoring climate change”, President Donald Trump has announced that he will stop the Earth’s rotation in order to create “longer, more beautiful, absolutely perfect sunsets.”
“Look, folks, the Earth? It spins way too fast. Too much spinning. People don’t like it. I don’t like it. We need to slow it down—maybe stop it completely. And let me tell you, the sunsets? They’re going to be tremendous.”
Trump insists that his revolutionary (and scientifically impossible) idea will “make days longer, improve tourism, and totally destroy wind energy.”
“You ever see a sunset in Florida? Gorgeous. But gone too fast! If we just pause the spinning—boom!—three-day sunsets. The most beautiful sunsets anyone’s ever seen. People are going to love it.”
Scientists React: “This Would Kill Everyone”
Leading scientists were horrified by Trump’s plan, explaining that stopping the Earth’s rotation would cause cataclysmic earthquakes, tsunamis, and literally launch entire cities into space.
“This would be an extinction-level event,” said Dr. Emily Cartwright, head of the Global Science Institute. “It’s not just dangerous—it’s physically impossible. Also, why would anyone want this?”
“Fake science,” Trump responded. “These so-called experts? They said I couldn’t win in 2016. I did. They said I couldn’t build the best hotels. I did. Now they say I can’t stop the Earth? Just watch.”
Trump’s “Spinning is for Losers” Policy
In addition to halting planetary movement, Trump’s campaign has revealed additional bold, physics-defying plans, including:
- Reversing gravity so golf balls always land in the hole.
- Lowering the Moon so it looks “more cinematic.”
- Replacing tides with “something more stable, like a pool.”
- Forcing the Sun to stay in one place to eliminate time zones.
“Time zones? Very confusing. Nobody understands them. Why not just have one time? Trump Time. Everyone’s on the same schedule. Simple. The greatest plan.”
What’s Next?
Encouraged by strong support from people who failed high school science, Trump has also hinted at his next big environmental goal:
“We’re looking at the clouds, folks. Too many clouds. We may need to build a cloud wall. Keep the bad ones out. Only let in the good, strong, beautiful clouds.”
At press time, NASA engineers were reportedly taking emergency stress leave.