Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what he calls “the most genius, never-before-seen solution to climate change”, President Donald Trump has unveiled a revolutionary new plan: simply sell all of America’s CO2 emissions to China and make a “tremendous deal” in the process.
“Look, folks, it’s simple. China is buying up everything—land, businesses, even our debt. Why not sell them our CO2 too? Nobody ever thought of this before. Only I could come up with something this brilliant,” Trump said during a rally, as the crowd chanted, “SELL THE AIR! SELL THE AIR!”
The Plan, Explained (Sort Of)
According to Trump, America produces way too much CO2, but instead of reducing emissions like “Sleepy Joe and the radical environmentalists” want, he suggests turning pollution into profit.
“We bottle it up, folks. We package it. China buys it. Boom—no more CO2 problem for us. The scientists won’t admit it, but I know more about air than anyone. It’s beautiful, clean air, but too much of it in the wrong place. So we send it to China. Simple!”
When pressed on how exactly CO2 would be bottled and shipped, Trump dismissed concerns:
“That’s for the small guys to figure out. I’m the big-picture guy. Look, Elon Musk does rockets. I do deals. Maybe we put it in big balloons, tremendous balloons—China loves balloons.”
Experts Are… Confused
Climate scientists and economists alike were left speechless by Trump’s proposal.
“I honestly don’t even know where to begin,” said Dr. Emily Harper, a climate researcher at MIT. “That’s… that’s not how air works.”
Economists were equally baffled:
“There is no market for raw CO2,” stated Professor James Caldwell from Harvard Business School. “You can’t sell it. That’s like trying to sell gravity.”
Trump, however, remains undeterred, insisting that China will “pay top dollar” for America’s carbon emissions.
China Responds
When asked about Trump’s proposal, Chinese officials burst into laughter before releasing a short statement:
“We have no idea what this means. Please stop asking.”
What’s Next?
Following his groundbreaking climate plan, Trump hinted at additional world-changing economic strategies, including:
- Selling the Pacific Ocean to Japan (“They love fish. They need more water.”)
- Exporting hurricanes to Canada (“They don’t get enough weather excitement.”)
- Charging Mexico a “sunlight tax” for using the same sun as the U.S.
At press time, Trump was reportedly working on a deal to trade all of America’s rainy days to Europe in exchange for “more sunny, perfect golfing weather.”