Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what he calls “the most important sports policy of all time”, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order banning short people from playing basketball, declaring that the sport has been unfairly infiltrated by individuals who are “simply too small”.
“Look, folks, basketball is for tall people. Very tall. It always has been,” Trump announced at a rally. “You can’t have 5’6” guys running around pretending they belong on the court. It’s a disgrace to the game. A total disaster. Unfair to the truly great, tall Americans.”
The Trump Height Protection Act, as it’s officially named, mandates that any player under 6’5” must immediately quit basketball and take up a more “appropriate” sport, such as chess or watching Fox News.
“It’s About Fairness, Folks”
Trump insists that his ruling has nothing to do with discrimination but is simply a matter of fairness.
“We must protect the tall Americans who have worked hard—very hard—to be tall,” Trump explained. “They drink their milk, they stretch every day, they reach for the top shelf. They deserve our support.”
“The little guys? They should play golf. Or better yet, go work for me.”
NBA Officials and Scientists React
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver called the ruling “completely insane”, pointing out that some of the best basketball players in history have been under 6’5”.
“Height does not determine skill,” Silver said, as he nervously checked the fine print of his own contract.
Meanwhile, sports scientists attempted to explain that basketball is a game of agility, strategy, and teamwork, not just height.
“You can’t just ban short people from basketball,” said Dr. Emily Cartwright, head of the Sports Science Institute. “That’s… not how sports work.”
Trump dismissed these concerns, calling scientists “losers who never dunked in their life” and accusing the NBA of being “rigged against people like me”.
What’s Next?
Encouraged by what he calls “overwhelming support from very tall people”, Trump hinted that he may soon introduce additional sports fairness policies, including:
- Banning slow runners from track and field (“We can’t have slow people ruining the Olympics.”)
- Outlawing bad golfers from country clubs (“It’s embarrassing, folks. They should just quit.”)
- Declaring that chess is “only for people with very big brains” (“Many people are saying I am the best.”)
At press time, the entire Miami Heat roster was reportedly seen wearing platform shoes, while Tom Cruise—furious at the new height restrictions—was suing for emotional damages.