Mar-a-Lago, FL – In yet another bold geopolitical move, President Donald Trump has announced his latest territorial acquisition plan: The United States must take over the North Pole. According to Trump, this “tremendous, beautiful, very icy land” has been wasted for centuries under Santa Claus’s “illegal occupation.”
“Look, folks, the North Pole? It’s tremendous. It’s cold, very cold. Some are saying the coldest. And yet, we don’t own it. Why? Santa has been squatting there, tax-free, for hundreds of years. It’s a disgrace. We need to take control, make it American, and, quite frankly, make it great again.”
Trump’s Vision for the North Pole
Trump outlined his grand plan for the frozen region, which includes:
✔ Rebranding it as “MAGAland”
✔ Replacing Santa’s Workshop with a new Trump Tower Ice Palace
✔ Declaring Santa an “overrated socialist” and outsourcing Christmas to Amazon
✔ Building a wall to keep out “unregistered elves”
“People don’t know this, but Santa’s got all these elves. Are they even legal? Where’s the paperwork? I don’t think so. We need extreme vetting. Only LEGAL elves should be making toys, folks.”
Scientists, Historians, and Christmas Enthusiasts Are Speechless
While climate scientists were already concerned about the melting Arctic, Trump’s plan to cover the ice with golf courses and McDonald’s drive-thrus has left them in utter despair.
“The North Pole isn’t even a country,” sighed Dr. Emily Cartwright, a professor of geography at MIT. “And Santa isn’t real.”
“Not real?!” Trump shot back. “Then WHO’S BEEN EATING ALL THOSE COOKIES?”
What’s Next?
Encouraged by what he calls “tremendous support”, Trump has hinted at future territorial ambitions, including:
- Purchasing the Great Wall of China (“Beautiful wall, but needs more Trump branding.”)
- Claiming the Moon as US territory (“We need condos up there, folks.”)
- Turning Antarctica into a massive private ski resort (“No one’s using it. Waste of space.”)
At press time, Santa Claus was reportedly seeking asylum in Canada, while Melania was seen googling ‘how to get a divorce from someone who thinks they own the North Pole.’